A different set of Goals for 2021

I write a diary, I have written a diary since I was a kid, some of it is not very interesting and sometimes I don’t write in it for a couple of weeks and then I come back to it. Much to my little girl’s amusement my Mum gives me a diary for Christmas each year - a very normal WHSmith day to a page A5 diary - this year was no different of course!

At the beginning of each year I write some notes reflecting on the year that is ending and some notes and goals for the year ahead. They are really not resolutions, I have never been one for New Year’s resolutions - no new year, new you stuff, it is usually a trip I want to take or a goal race I want to run or something I want to achieve. This year though I am struggling. I am struggling because reading through the notes I wrote at the beginning of 2020 I go through a whole range of emotions - anger, sadness, frustration, disappointment. This time last year we had absolutely no idea what lay ahead of us - and the notes I wrote talked of an anticipated trip to visit friends in Australia and in terms of running plans to run my 9th and 10th marathons as well as my first attempt at an ultra and a multi-stage race.

Of course none of these goals came to fruition and instead I think like most people I have spent the year teetering somewhere between being scared shitless, overwhelmed and not totally losing my shit! I have been lucky enough to keep working throughout but overnight I found myself working from home full-time, managing home schooling for three kids and doing all shopping and errands for my 89 year old Mum whilst she was required to shield. Sorry I digress but the point is that the person that sat and wrote out her goals for 2020 had absolutely no idea what was about to happen, how life as we knew it would be turned upside down and how out of control everything would feel.

I wonder what I would have written differently if I had known what 2020 had in store for us. Well in a way I know what I would have written - because it is what I will try to write this year - goals that have nothing to do with travelling to far flung places and running big city marathons - 2020 has undeniably been an extremely tough year and we are not out of the woods yet and I am under no-illusion that certainly the first part of 2021 is going to be any easier, I think we are almost certain to go back into a national lockdown in the very near future and a return to life as we knew it this time last year feels like a long way off yet. Whilst it has been an extremely difficult year there has been some good news and some good stuff has happened and I think I have learnt a fair bit about myself, my ability to cope, what is really important to me and just how long my tether really is!

So my goals this year will all be smaller process based goals aimed at supporting the person I want to be as a mum, a friend, an athlete, coach and employee. Goals that support me being able to show up as the best version of me, goals such as sleeping and eating right, taking better care of me, so that I can show up for my friends and family and support them as they support me. Smaller goals that will mean I am ready to go back after those big goals when the time is right.

So come on 2021 let’s be having you.

Much love as always xxx

Oh and one final goal - stay injury free!!!!

The Rise of the Injured Runner

Last Sunday whilst attempting to put a flatpack desk together for my darling 12yo boy I managed to put my back out – by that I mean as I reached for the next piece in the flatpack puzzle I twisted and reached awkwardly and managed to aggravate an old back injury.  Needless to say, the bloody desk lay abandoned on the floor as I crawled off to have a little cry!  Yes, I actually cried – more because I can still remember so vividly the last time I managed to do this rather than the pain.  I was working in Dubai for two weeks and endured 2 weeks of pretty much agony and no running for the best part of a month!

On Monday I managed to get an appointment with my wonderful chiropractor – she who put me back together after the Dubai incident and she who I see on a regular basis to keep everything aligned and in place.  After Dubai I started to take the whole thing more seriously, I am no spring chicken and I had been riding a wave of injury free running for a long time and the whole Dubai thing brought me back down to earth with a bump.  Since then I have been really good about rolling and stretching and managing niggles and have even been doing strength sessions twice a week the last few months and feeling really good for it.

And then this.  And I am right back where I started and my lovely chiropractor is telling me that under no circumstances can I run for two weeks.  And even then I need to ease myself back into it.  Needless to say I have spent the last few days in a bit of a funk coming to terms with the fact I won’t finish my lockdown run streak and worse still I may not be able to reach my mileage target for the year – so close but no cigar!

The first few days after aggravating my back are always spent doing everything very gingerly and slowly – sitting down very carefully, standing up very carefully, everything done with the utmost care so as not to worsen the injury.  Twice this week I was late to school to collect the little girl, I left home at the same time but was clearly walking at snail’s pace rather than my usual blistering blast past everyone pace.

This weekend I have reached the point post injury where three things happen:

1. I start to wonder if I will ever be able to run again and ponder what my life will be like without running, what will I do with all that spare time, how else will I deal with all of life’s stresses and strains.  Will I finally morph into permanently angry mum?  Anyone else become this morose when they are injured?

2. I realise my back is starting to feel a whole lot better and try running a couple of little steps whilst I am out walking the dog – just to, you know, see how it feels.  Yup I have reached that dangerous point where I am most likely to succumb to re-injuring simply because I am at the point of starting to feel a bit more normal!

3. I make all kinds of wild promises to myself – I promise never to neglect strength and conditioning work ever again if I can just get back to running normally.

I need running, it really is my headspace and I am a better person for running and taking time out of running makes me appreciate this even more.  Injuries happen and healing from injuries require time and patience but heal I will and yes I will be able to run again!  One thing is for sure the less patient I am the longer it will be before I get back to running so still not running this week I promise!

Oh and yes I would be better off if I never neglected strength and conditioning ever again!

Much love xxx

P.S. A very lovely friend came and finished putting the offending flat pack desk together much to the boy’s delight!!

"Don't wish it away, Don't look at it like it's forever..."

This coronavirus lockdown thing is still like a bloody rollercoaster isn’t it, just when we think some aspects of life look like they are taking a step nearer normal we are reminded how very far we are from normal in many other aspects. I think we have all spent a good portion of time wishing that 2020 would just leave or that we could hit reset and start the whole year over (what would we do differently if we knew then what we know now?). Passing COVID-19 test sites and advertising hoardings loudly proclaiming “Stay Alert, Control the Virus, Save lives” on my runs is enough to reduce me to tears at the side of the road, blubbing quietly to myself that I have had enough and I would like my life back now please. Invariably I realise that I am actually quite a long way from home and no one is coming to get me so after a brief pity party I wipe away the tears and run back home.

Our lives are affected daily by this once in a generation global pandemic and no doubt we will continue to feel the after effects for many years to come. And yet through it all, no matter how rubbish it has been and continues to be, life goes on, life good and bad still continues outside the rules of a pandemic, lives are shattered by events that are not affected by the virus, the terrible blast in Lebanon for example, people are still victims of brutality and violence and lives are still lost all too soon to illness and incident.

When lockdown started back in March it was really important to me for my kids not to come out the other side thinking this was the worst time of their lives, that we had made the best of it that we could and that as a family we had done our best to embrace this time together and learn from it. I asked the kids what the best thing about lockdown had been for them and they all gave very different replies:

Jack said that whilst home learning had been at times stressful he had really enjoyed the bonding time we had together during homeschooling - a mother can always trust a son to say something nice right! Abigail said she had learned new ways of dealing with difficulties in friendships - she is 14 and girls can be the worst but this time has allowed her space to grow in strength and confidence and she was able to call time on a friendship that was really no longer lifting her up. Ellie’s take was that school uniform was a waste of time - she is bonkers and let’s see how she feels about that in a couple of weeks!

I have learnt a lot over this period - I have learnt just how resilient my kids are, we can chuck all this craziness at them and with love and support and understanding they ping right back up again, their strength and determination never ceases to amaze me. I have learned to lean on my friends a little bit more instead of always trying to be the strong one - you know friends and family are life - and some friends, well they just are family aren’t they? And one thing I have really understood is that none of us give ourselves credit for how tough we really are, I may say I have had enough but always pick myself up, dig deep and move on and isn’t that a great metaphor for life, running everything - no matter how hard it is you can push yourself further and harder.

Before lockdown long runs were really stressful for me and I felt I had lost sight of what I was doing, I feel like the last couple of years has been a whirlwind of travel and training for one marathon after another and the whole thing had become a bit on the stressful side whilst managing three kids, a dog and a full time job.  Having the opportunity to run long on a Sunday with my buddy taken away from me during the early days of lockdown felt even harder and so during this time of no racing I have worked really hard to re-connect with my reasons for running, why I started running to begin with and what running means to me - I guess re-connecting with my why. With no racing there is nothing to train for and no pressure to hit every workout and for the first time I have really embraced my pace - honestly on some of these hot August days I am like a hot sweaty turtle but I have returned home with a smile on my face - it feels good to work hard and feel the sun on my face.

It has been a joy to be able to run with my buddy again as lockdown has begun to ease, and I have concentrated on enjoying every single step and every single moment in the sunshine. Last Sunday we run in one of my favourite places to run (needless to say it is as flat as a pancake although the weather system on one side of the park is often completely different to the other side!) for the first time since lockdown and that felt so good. And during that gorgeous sunny run (where I did resemble a sweaty turtle and was perfectly ok with that) we got to talking about how time is so precious and so short and even when it seems so hard there is so much to learn and so much to celebrate.

So let’s not wish it away - this is not forever ..

Much love xxx